“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
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My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.