“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
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It’s been a terrible year for burglars
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
🤣😂
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler