You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
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A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
peep davidson
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.