You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
You Might Also Like
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
I have a place for everything. The floor.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
new record!
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now