You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
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ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
This January has 47 Mondays
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.