You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
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This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Always 🥴
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.