You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
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Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.