You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
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Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]