You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
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Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Matt Goss
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?