*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
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It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
car not found
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn