Yup.
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Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Follow me for more life hacks.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Yup
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.