@DontFollowDave: Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
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@AndrewNadeau0: HER: *Points to my dish* I'll have what he's having ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine H: No, I mea- M:*To waiter* Tell her it's mine
@JohnLyonTweets: *walks into alma mater carrying English degree* I'd like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
@MelvinofYork: My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.