Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
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My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
crying
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Why are bridges so flammable.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.