Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
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[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”