me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
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wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Cndnsd Mlk
real
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?