Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
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Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*