Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
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The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”