“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
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Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
My last name is Zilla.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.