Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
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Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I was up all night reading about insomnia
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces