Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
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*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”