*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
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Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?