[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
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[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap