[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
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Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I don’t hate children, just yours.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.