@tastefactory: [zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
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@SortaBad: Babies are like Starbucks because they're expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
@PaperWash: [Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I'm blasting Rebecca Black on repeat] Who's nightmare is it now Freddy?!
@_making_friends: I'm currently between relationships. The couple on my right are kissing and I think the couple on my left are about to start doing it.
@robdelaney: My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I'm glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.