[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
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Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk