[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
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*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
My patience has stretch marks.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Zack Greinke stories are the best
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”