ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
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Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.