You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
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[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
broke down and did it
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very