[zombie movie set] Director into megaphone: "We're about to start rolling. Look alive people!" *actors look around confused as heck*

@AimeeHelene1: Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over? *lies on floor, closes eyes tight* (in customer service line at Walmart)

98

@AthenaMystique: Walmart pokes holes in the condoms to ensure customer retention.

146

@hipchkk: You know how moray eels can't let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they're dead? Don't touch my fries.

1

@ambamthankyamam: Hey people that twitter says are "similar to me", where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

1

@Spaziotwat: If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.

1

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