[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
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You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
let’s discuss
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
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Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
The smoothest fall of all time
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.