[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
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If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
This is enough internet for the day.
#TopTip
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath