Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
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me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.