@karlainvt: Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
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@dlockw21: Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I'll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
@CarpentersCrack: I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
@Ideal_Victoria: I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
@Brampersandon_: ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed WIFE: Trump's running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series M: haha ok but srsly tho