“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
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I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.