[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
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After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.