Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
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Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings