[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
You Might Also Like
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Don’t make me out nice you.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4