[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
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My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Encore…
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”