Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
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If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Duolingo getting serious.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably