[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
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I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
*pronounces fake like saké*
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.