[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
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My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what