Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
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HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.