Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
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“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable