If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
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Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be