Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
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You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Geez man, take it easy.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾