Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
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Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.