[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
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Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
pizza
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.