[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
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Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?