@Jayson_Two_time: Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.

@_4kidscrazy: Birth control??? Here watch my kids for 10 minutes.

@SortaBad: me: [trying to sound cool] I'm in a punk band cute co-worker: that's cool. What the band's name? me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

@UNTRESOR: Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

@TheDreamGhoul: some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can't even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor