[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
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You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
not seeing the problem
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection