Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
You Might Also Like
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth