Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
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Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.