Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
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Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy